Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #2: The Cleanliness Crucible
By Neil Kapit
Shawn “ Nitz “ Griffin’s life hasn’t been going as planned.
After leaving home, he had dreams of using the power of Zeku for good. He was going to be a real superhero, living out his childhood dreams with his ancestral ability.
Instead, he’s living in a small apartment in Hell’s Bathroom with his two friends, Zach the lemur and Tricia the tree-person, sponging off their parents’ money. He has a job in the classified hunting supernatural monsters for money, but that makes very little, and recently there haven’t been as many bogeymen to hunt. So he’s spent his time sitting on the couch, watching basic cable. His mind feels like it’s melting, after hours upon hours of soap operas.
As of the moment, it is midnight. Nitz is sitting at home, as usual, wearing nothing but his pajamas, fuzzy rhino slippers, and helmet. He is lying across the couch watching late comedy shows. A trail of drool leaks down his mouth, unbeknownst to him.
Then, the door explodes. Nitz shouts “ Empowereku “ and summons his armor and cudgel onto his person. He rushes over to the door. An irridescent chrome puddle lies on the floor. Nitz looks at it quizzically.
He doesn’t have time to move away as it latches itself onto his face. It only stays on there for five seconds, and then lands on the floor. It swirls around in a cloud of metal filings, then reshapes itself. The metal shapes and hardens into a human female form, silver with black joints and glowing yellow eyes, and a long mane of grey microfilament hair.
Nitz looks again at the newly created android, holding his cudgel in a battle-ready stance.
” You are Nitz the Bloody, I assume. “ the android says in a neutral tone. “ You are the one I have wanted to see. “
“ Who the hell are you, “ Nitz asks, keeping his voice down for the other tenants. Tricia and Zach rush over to the door, looking at the android.
Nitz, Tricia, Zach, and the android sit at the table in the apartment’s small kitchen. Zach goes to get a Coke from the mini-fridge, hunching over to reach into the appliance.
” You want anything? “ He asks the android. Her arm stretches across the table and grabs one of the cans, then retracts back to her. She shoots beams at it from her eyes, converting the liquid to gas and absorbing it through a filter.
“ Thank you, Zachary Santiago, “ she says. “ I can draw chemical energy from this. “
“ Wait, “ Zach wonders while he stands with all four limbs on the floor, “ How do you know my name? “
“ I read all the data from Nitz the Bloody’s brain, “ she replies. “ I know everything about you. “
” Try me, “ Nitz tells her.
“ You have a small scar on your chin from when you fell on a glass shard at age five, “ she states.
“ Go on, “ he tells Joan.
“ You spent five years with an unspoken infatuation with your friend Patricia, “ she continues.
“ Everybody knows that, “ Tricia says. “ Get to the point. “
” You store Playboys in the Zeku dimension, hoping nobody will find them. “ Zach and Tricia both glare at Nitz. He blushes, saying “ Hey, the articles are pretty funny. “ with an uneasy smile.
“ But aside from that, “ Nitz quickly segues to, “ Why are you here? “
” I have heard much about you, Nitz the Bloody. I know of your abilities, your talents. I do not understand their mechanics, but I recognize their power. After reading your mind must find out more about them. “
” So you’re part of my fan club? Look, I appreciate the interest, but I don’t need a stalker. Flattering as the concept may be, I’d prefer my privacy. “
“ I have no intention of hurting you, “ the android continues. “ I merely wish to assist you. I know of your practice, of hunting down threats to humanity. You are an upstanding individual and a great service to the world. And I wish to be a service to you. “
The three residents of the room look at the android. Nitz blushes again.
“ I am referring to household duties, “ she states. “ I will help maintain your living space and keep you healthy and safe while you perform your duties. I will make your lives easier while I study you and your incomprehensible human ways. “
” Cool, I guess, “ Nitz replies. “ But one more thing, “ he asks, “ Where do you come from? Who built you? “
The android tries to speak, but sparks fly from her head as it shakes on its neckpiece. “ I, “ she stutters, “ I, I, I, I, I....cannot say. “
” What do you mean you can’t say, “ Tricia demands. “ What’s stopping you? “
” I....just...cannot. My programming does not allow it. “
“ Okay, Ms. Robot, you mind if you wait in the kitchen for a while? Me, Nitz, and Zach need to have a talk. “
“ We can’t have her here, “ Tricia silently hisses, the leaves on her head shaking. “ How will we explain her to the landlord? “
” We have a Priest of Zeku, a lemur, and a plant elemental living here, “ Nitz shrugs. “ I think he’s pretty open-minded towards his super-powered residents. “
” But still, we don’t know anything about her. Who built her? What is she doing here? We do have enemies, you know. “
” Ungar is dead, and everything else has been exterminated. I don’t think I have any human enemies. “
“ Even so, we can’t really afford another resident. How long do we have before Dad catches on and realizes we aren’t actually going to college in Parodopolis? “
” My dad’s already stopped paying for me, “ Zach states. “ I probably should’a told you earlier. “
” Even less money, “ Nitz laments, then turns his head up. “ But we have free room service! We have our own Rosie, like on the Jetsons. This place is a dump and it needs some class, anyway. “
” This is just some typical male fantasy, isn’t it? “ Tricia scowls. “ Having your own mistress to do everything for you... “
” No it isn’t. She’s just a robot. She’ll be a good, free, servant to us. What do we have to lose? “
” Fine, but we have to watch our electric bills..... “
